Good Morning!
I have often stated one of the main difference between writing a screenplay and writing and book, or short story for that matter, is the prose and description.
For screenwriting it needs to read quick and snappy. Strong adjectives. Present tense works well for TV.
For me, it’s easier to write my teleplay rough drafts not worrying about how my prose is or if I’m using too many words etc etc.
Here’s a little before and after…
First Half of Page 1 - ROUGH DRAFT
Hot asphalt radiates under pale blue skies. CHILDREN ON BICYCLES chase an ice cream truck before it stops, windows fling open to excited hands.
Fresh cut grass. CHILDREN LAUGH and run through sprinklers’ thin water arches. PARENTS sprawl out in lawn chairs. FAMILIES talk and wave to one another across the streets, across driveways. Puffy hair-doos and thick-framed glasses link arm and arm with short-bathing suits and sleek smiles.
VINNY MAZZA, 9, golden-brown tendrils poke under his bulky styrofoam helmet. Vinny LAUGHS across to his best friend, GIOVETTI “GIO” MARINO, 9, as they circle each other in the middle of Harmond Street on their bicycles. Gio tumbles over from being dizzy, his tall-lanky frame slinks down and falls in the street. More LAUGHTER.
LORI MAZZA, early 40s, lifts her large pointed spectacles up to check on the kids. Her eyes drift directly across the street - Hollow beer cans litter around two empty lawn chairs on unkempt and splotched grass. A pure contrast from the rest of Harmond Street.
BENEDETTO MAZZA, 40s, collard white shirt and black pleats, sits next to Lori. He sips and swishes around vibrant, dark red wine as his eyes take in Harmond under dark sunglasses.
Novelistic. This is how it just comes out of my head. I kept it present tense throughout to keep the pace moving forward, other than that, it’s just very wordy and un-edited.
First Half of Page 1 - EDITED
CHILDREN LAUGH under vibrant blue skies as they chase an ice cream truck.
WOMEN in flipped bobs and cat eye sunglasses sunbathe beside HUSBANDS in checkered swim walkers.
LORI MAZZA, early 40s, lifts her spectacles up:
-- VINNY MAZZA, 9, happy eyes under his golden-brown tendrils, LAUGHS across to his tall and lanky best friend, GIOVETTI “GIO” MARINO, as they circle each other on bikes.
Lori’s eyes drift directly across the street to an unkept lawn:
-- Beer cans litter around two empty chairs. The splotched grass a stark contrast from the rest of Harmond.
BENEDETTO MAZZA, 40s, collared shirt and long black pleats, sits next to Lori. He sips on a glass of red wine.
Snappy. Quick. Terse. Easier for your eyes move with each frame and not gloss over with long text.
With screenwriting, less is more, fresh is best.
Enjoy your Saturday and be on the lookout for the weekly short story post tomorrow!
It’s going to be spooky…
-BM
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